Mr. President

August 14, 2012

 

Ready, set, go!  The presidential campaign is officially off the ground and dominating the airwaves.  Yes, the two candidates are showing up more and more and saying less and less than ever before, but now they bring along orchestras, special effects and stage sets.   I for one am as bored stiff with this game as I am with  the other reality shows on television.  True, I harbor no passion for politics as it exists today and never have.  However, even if I did, the bloom would have faded by now.  The entire campaign process has become less about the issues than ever before.  It is a rarity today that any political candidate actually point blank answers a question.  They sound more like bratty first graders who prefer to keep the focus on the other children so that they do not have to fess up to a decision or position.  Sadly, candidates are coached to ride on charm , looks, theatrics and sound bites .  Artful dodgers they are.   Six year olds are masters of the artful dodge as well.  For example………

Teacher:  Billy, tell me what kind of animal this is in the picture I am holding.

BillyPointing at Bobby.  He doesn’t know what it is!  He acts like he knows all about animals, but he doesn’t know what it is!  He never even had a pet!  Waaaaaaaaa!

Bobby:  Uh uh!  I know what animals are!  Billy doesn’t even like animals!  He had a cat once and he sprayed it with the hose!  Waaaaa!

Teacher:  Billy, we aren’t talking about Bobby.  I am asking you what kind of animal this is in the picture. Bobby sticks his tongue out at Billy.

Billy:  Bobby just stuck his tongue out at me!

Bobby:  Did not did not did not!

Billy:  Did too did too did too!

Teacher:  Ok boys.  Let’s try something else.  Bobby, what do you plan to bring for show and tell tomorrow?

Bobby:  Last week, Billy brought a stupid old flag that wasn’t even American!

Billy:  Bobby said that the flag was stupid and it wasn’t.  It belonged to a queen one time!  Waaaaaa!

Bobby:  Billy said queer!  Billy said queer!  Billy said a bad word!

Billy:  Did not did not did not! I said Queen!  QUEEN!

Bobby:  Did too did too did too! Waaaaaaaaa!

Teacher:  Boys stop it!  Stop it! Stop it!

And honestly, don’t you wish that they would?  I know I do.

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Summers in Louisiana are hell.  Especially if, like me, you are a green eyed blonde.  From May until October I am hot, sunburned, sweaty, frizzy and fairly angry. And yes, it has gotten worse over the past few years.  I feel like I just CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  And why the hell are all my clothes fitting funny this summer?  Obviously it is the cheap materials they use these days compounded by a lack of work ethic by those who put the damn things together.  I swear.  This country is going to hell.  And it isn’t just the clothes, it is the appliances too.  My milk frother broke, my iron spits out brown goop every time I use the steam function, my “lifetime” fancy French baking pan developed a crack for no reason and frankly, I HAVE HAD IT.  And YES!  I am screaming.  That’s OK though because I have a new strategy.  Now, whenever anything breaks, I simply pack it up and mail the damn thing back to whatever address I can find on the company website.  I don’t bother digging up the stupid warranty registration or whatever thing I filled out when I bought it.  And I certainly don’t bother calling customer service for instructions.  Since the person on the other end of the phone may or may not be, willing, able, competent and inclined to help me, I simply send the thing back.  I bubble wrap that baby (why? I don’t know because it is already broken!), write a very nice note (I swear), and mail it back indicating that I have no use for the contraption as it is.  I state that they are welcome to repair or replace it…….or not, but that I want it out of my house.   I gently request that if they are not planning to repair or replace it, that they dispose of it in an environmentally responsible manner and that they notify of their decision.   I thank them very much and say a quick prayer for the person who will open the box and have to deal with the situation.  Presto! That way I don’t have to hoard the thing in my hazmat box until the next hazmat recycling day rolls around.  It is their problem.  Also, I get a sense of liberation once I have taken initiative and cleared yet one more useless item out of my house.  I almost can’t wait for something to fall apart so I can address the matter.  Come to think of it, my hair dryer is making a funny sound……